Previously On “Game of You’re-on-your-Own’s”

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The Mississippi public school funding battle has become harder to follow than Game of Thrones.

So as the drama shifts this Tuesday to the Mississippi supreme court, here’s a refresher to catch you up, as if I were preparing you for an episode of Game of Thrones.

PREVIOUSLY ON “GAME OF ‘YOU’RE-ON-YOUR-OWN’S’”

1997FLASHBACK: The drama started way back in the ancient days of Mississippios- I mean back a few years before the Millenium, when there were Blockbusters and Sam Goody’s at every town’s market square, and the #1 balladeers were the Backstreet Squires and the Spice Maidens.  The Houses of Learning were having trouble making sure every boy and every girl got the same attention that the kids in the noble classes did.  And pretty much everyone realized it was a money issue.  So the Makers of the Law decreed “Henceforth there shall be a formula to calculate how much coin each House of Learning shall receive, and it shall become the Law in Mississippios, and we shall call it the MAEP Law of Coin, and everyone shall like us for it.” And pretty much everyone did, because the dudes in charge were totally making it official that every House of Learning, no matter how backwoods and overrun with ogres, was getting help from the capital, Fordice’s Landing.

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I do apologize, Mr. Bryant. I have some skills, but Photoshop is not one of them.

Ok. Fast forward fifteen years. The Law of Coin hadn’t really been working, because the Makers of the Law were straight up acting like it didn’t even exist! They just tossed out whatever they felt the commoners deserved, and told the commoners they were lucky to get even that!  Even King Bryant, who had made promises about the Law of Coin before, was out to lunch on it now.  Something had really changed the minds of the power players in Fordice’s Landing. So a lot of the noble houses across Mississippios got together, and they called for a vote on it, so the people of Mississippios could ask the magistrates in the courts to DO something if the King and his men didn’t follow the Law.

LITTLETATERSo the people were celebrating that maybe the King didn’t have all the power.  But then the king’s advisors were all “Well, sir… what if we saddled the people with an… alternative?” (Their smirks and mwuh-ha-ha’s were just diabolical in this episode; you really missed out.) “What do you mean?” asked King Bryant.

“Well, we could come up with something just like the the measure the people want to vote on, but this one wouldn’t actually do anything. It would be like challenging them to a duel, but handing them a plastic sword!” And then the king was like, “what’s plastic?” So Lord Snowden was all, “the point is, if people don’t choose the version that changes things…oops! Turns out nothing changes.” And the king was like, “That’s good! Do that! I don’t like people telling me what to do!” So the advisors came up with a dummy ballot to give to the people.

Then on the next episode, right?  We went back up to the north, to Ox Ford, and Lady Adrian of Ox Ford was looking at the two ballot options, and she was like, “Hold on a sec. Something’s fishy here. The Makers of the Law have come out with a new version that is almost identical to the old one. If I hadn’t spent a long time studying this, I wouldn’t know which is which. Ah-HA!” So Adrian took the ballots to the High Magistrate, Winston the Kidd (there’s a long backstory about his cowboy days- don’t worry about it) and he was like, “The Duchess of Ox Ford is right. This is a dirty move by the Makers of the Law. They can’t do it, so I’m changing it, and can’t nobody stop me, because the Law says my word is final.”

When King Bryant heard this, he was really mad, yo. I mean he was madder than a Stark leaving The Town Up North without his golden egg.  He was like, “Tell the Court of the High Septons to overrule this rogue magistrate.” And Little Tater was all, “But legally he has the last word.” And the King was like, “I don’t care! Do it anyway! I’m the king!” and stormed off.

And so the King’s men brought the High Magistrate and Adrian of Ox Ford’s case, to the Court of the High Septons in Fordice’s Landing. (Everybody’s getting together in Jackson to sort it all out.) 

Our state leaders have been playing games with education funding for a long time. This Tuesday, a decisive new episode debuts. Here we go! 7353356188_0a01de275d

 

Game of You’re-on-your-Own’s CAST:

Governor Phil Bryant as King Bryant

Lieutenant Governor Tate Reeves as Lord Reeves “Little Tater”

Speaker of the House Philip Gunn as Philip of Gunn

State Representative Greg Snowden as Gregory of Snowden

The Honorable Hinds County Circuit Judge Winston Kidd as Winston the Kidd

and

Adrian Shipman as Lady Adrian of Ox Ford

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