The trailer just dropped for Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and ohh man. I’m talkin bout this thing’s got ALL the feels. Retro, nowtro, futuretro, it’s all in there. I don’t know whether to get out my pajamas from 1985 or get out my pajamas from 2015.
Sometimes I was like “Ahhh yeah, I remember these movies,” and then other times I was like “Whoa! What’s that?!” So here’s my top 7 I-see-what-you-did-there’s and my top 3 I-Can’t-Even’s, in the order that they happened to my face.
Top 7 I-see-what-you-did-there’s:
1. Sandy planet blues
JJ kicks it old school with a lonely nobody in a deserted wasteland. Wouldn’t be the first movie of a Star Wars trilogy without those trademark dunes, now would it? Will she ever make it off this rock to adventures far beyond the hori- ok nevermind. Didn’t even finish the sentence before she found a way off. Okay. Well. The tension lasted a good 30 seconds into the trailer, at least.
2. Scary dude looking out the space window!
If there’s anything reliable in a Star Wars movie, it’s that you’re going to get one or three shots of an angry dude dressed all in black brooding out the window into space. And…yep. Scary tribal face mask too. Oh and he’s talking to the melted helmet of the illest gangster the galaxy’s ever known. Crazier than a bag of cats, or actually hanging out with dead spirits? Take your pick. Neither is good news. Then just to make sure we get the point, ole JJ throws in a raging red lens flare. I believe we have a villain!
3. Old School Star-Lord and the Flying Flapjack! Yes!
Are you kidding me? It’s the Spice Smuggler Supreme! Dude totally doesn’t seem like his old sarcastic self- looks like some crap went down and we’ll have to deal with our FEELINGS inside from seeing the Galaxy so devolved our iconic rogue is shaken from his certainty, sliding into his twilight years having no lasting peace or good news to pass on to the new generation…
But still! Yo! Solo the gunslinger! And his wicked cool starship too! They’re totally back!
4. The Pew Pew Dragonflies are back to fight off the Screamin’ H-Jets!
We haven’t seen these guys since the 80’s! JJ you sure know how to make a bro feel at home. They’re gonna be flying around and shooting and wwaaaaahhn-ing and stuff. And Lord don’t even get me started if there’s a trench-
Oh my sweet bacon bits there’s a trench in this one, too.
5. ALL the best action figures!
Are you kidding me?! There’s Bucket Bot, and the Skeleton Army guys! And Carpet Monster! And Princess Gold Bikini all gmilfed out but conservatively ya know, cause hey she’s a princess. Aww man what the heck have she and Carpet Monster and Old Man Star-Lord been UP to for 30 years? This is gonna be the best reunion evar!
6. Things go ‘splode!
Just like in any good Star Wars movie, lots of things are going BOOM in a big way. Me likey. Maybe they’ll even blow up a few planets, too! Nothing makes me giddy like seeing the end of billions of lives for a cool special effect.
7. LAZAR SWARDS!!!!!!1
OMG them dudes are gonna sward fight with lazar swards and by that point we’ll prolly know who they are and like what they want from each other and stuff and it’s gonna be so cool man! I see what you did there JJ but it’s totally gonna work on me. Like a charm. A big, pretty red and blue lazery charm.
Top 3 I-Can’t-Even’s:
1. Regular ole black dude getting his own lazar sward??!
Come on, JJ. We know the only black dude in the galaxy who gets his own lazar sward is Shaft here. End of story. I mean, I’m not racist. I’m just saying. What are we supposed to do, just accept that there are worlds where systematic prejudice doesn’t always end up with white dudes saving the day? Pssh.
2. Red lazar hilt thingie.
What? I mean, is that supposed to protect his hand or something? Is it another way to kill an enemy? Does it really work? How does it work? Aren’t these questions I should be able to figure out with a notepad, never having seen the movie? Uh-Pssh.
3. New hero is a gurl.
I just don’t… No. NO. NO GURLS. Gurls are for saving from space station prison cells. And awarding prizes. And saying they love us and we say I know get back in the space kitchen. Now the coolest character in this movie and the one who might save the franchise is a gurl? WHAT?!! JJ WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!? YOU SOLD OUT THE STAR WRAS FOR MUNEY I CAN’T EVEN- ASFD;KLJFSDKJASJJKL32ASD
Think I’ll go get on Twitter and insult people.