A Herb Frierson-Inspired Guide to Initiative 42

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My fellow Mississippians, this week we saw House Appropriations Chairman Herb Frierson call a meeting with state agency directors to have them prepare to slash their budgets by 7.8% across the board. If Initiative 42 for statewide school funding passes, he said, we just won’t have enough money for other things, like probably policemen and firefighters and grandma’s medication. That kinda stuff.

His dire warnings of budget cuts sent shivers up the spines of Mississippians everywhere. And what a good thing they did! Otherwise people might would actually vote for- I shudder at the thought of it- full funding of our public schools to the amount prescribed by law! I’m sorry. I know it’s terrifying. I just had to lay it out there.

You see, advocates for Initiative 42 will tell you none of Frierson’s “budget cuts” stuff is true. They say according to 42,  “if Mississippi’s general fund increases by an average of 3 percent each year, then 25 percent of those revenues would go toward public schools.” And I suppose that’s in the text, sure, if you want to go to the polls all half-cocked and believing a thing is exactly what it says it is.

But let me tell you some things which aren’t in the text of Initiative 42– things you won’t find out unless you listen to someone like me, or Mr. Frierson, who has the good sense to read more into it.

  • If Initiative 42 passes, all public schools in Mississippi will be required to fly the ISIS flag.

  • If Initiative 42 passes, high school football will be replaced by cricket, effective December 1st.

  • If 42 passes, each morning the schools will be required to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, then laugh, then say, “Just kidding!”

  • If 42 passes, the schools are legally bound to confiscate all privately-owned guns in Mississippi.

  • If 42 passes, public school principals will be required to perform 1 gay wedding per week, between parents of their choosing.

  • If 42 passes, no one will be allowed to use chapstick.

  • If 42 passes, our state constitution will be amended to read, and I quote, “Barack Obama shall be lord and king of everything south of Memphis.”

  • If 42 passes, we are required to relinquish our status as the birthplace of Elvis and Jerry Rice, to Alabama.

  • If 42 passes, the teaching of U.S. History will be banned from Mississippi schools, unless the teacher is a registered communist.

  • If 42 passes, the money you’re putting into savings is not going to be enough to get you to next month if the car breaks down.

  • If 42 passes, yes you did leave the iron plugged in, and your house is burning down as we speak.

  • If 42 passes, the movie “Mad Max: Fury Road” will be a documentary about life in Clinton.

 

You could go read the text for yourself, but why not just take my word for it- all this is probably in there.

 

Oh, those advocates will stare you straight in the face, tell you if Initiative 42 passes, all that will happen is full funding for our public schools- that it’ll be gradually phased into effect in a fiscally responsible way, and to go read the text for yourself.

But why do any of that, when you can head to the polls afraid of change for whatever reason you want?

4 Comments

  1. Rickey Gray

    Fun to read. Just hope Talk Radio doesn’t roll it out as the latest facts next week.

    Reply
    1. jacomans (Post author)

      Ain’t it the truth! 🙂

      Reply
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